People enter a relationship for a variety of reasons, for example, being in love, having common interests, companionship, convenient sex, and “many hands make light work”, meaning life is easier when two people share the financial, physical and social workload of running a home.
In addition, they stay in unsatisfying relationships because of “the children”, doing something different takes a great deal of effort, they are “comfortable” in the status quo, and someone is better than no one.
And yet, besides addiction, domestic abuse, and infidelity, one of the main reasons for wanting a divorce is because they have “fallen out of love”; they no longer feel committed to the relationship.
If you are at the point of breaking up, you have probably spent a fair amount of time trying to make the relationship work, worrying, feeling guilty, and trying to make the right decision for you and for everyone else. It isn’t a decision to be made lightly or in haste.
Relationship Commitment
Probably there was a time when you cared a great deal about the other person. You cared enough and were committed enough to the relationship that you may have even chosen to enter into a legally binding contract with them! You said, in front of your family and friends, that this was “the one”.
Because of this commitment and because you cared about your significant other, it may have been easy to “let things slide”, to not address an issue when it came up. Maybe you would just withdraw from an argument, not because you won or lost, but because you just didn’t care about the outcome anymore. The commitment to the relationship faded.
Depending on how far down the slide the relationship has gotten, there may be no retrieving it. There does come a time when it is “too late”, and nothing the other person can say or do will change your decision. Your mind is made up.
It doesn’t necessarily mean either one of you is a failure, or a bad person, or that someone did something horribly wrong (except addiction, domestic abuse or infidelity). It just means the two of you lacked the commitment to make it work. Not every relationship will work.
Withdrawal of Commitment
The frustrating thing for some is that you can beg and beg and beg for your significant other to make changes, “Please, can you just talk with me!?!”, “Can you please stop smoking cigarettes?”, “Will you go kayaking with me?”, “Can you put down your phone and look at me!?!” And no matter how many times you ask, beg or plead, you may get the attention you desire for a short time.
In a few days or a couple of weeks, they are right back to ignoring you and your requests for attention.
What your significant other doesn’t understand is that putting in a little consistent energy into maintaining your existing relationship is so much easier than coming up with the energy and money for a separation and/or divorce. It is easier than coming up with a co-parenting plan. It is easier than figuring out who keeps the cat. It is so much easier than returning to the dating scene.
And the irony of it all? Your significant other will probably give all kinds of attention to their new significant other. The attention and energy you craved. This is one of the reasons separations can actually build resentment. For example, “If you could give him/her (the new significant other) all that attention, why couldn’t you have done it for me?”
The Decision
The decision to end a relationship should be a really difficult one. Even if your relationship is unhealthy and you have made the decision that the relationship is over, it is highly likely you are not excited about having “The Talk” with your soon to be ex-significant other. It isn’t easy to look someone in the eye and tell them you want to end the relationship and/or you want a divorce, though it may be a little easier to break up if the relationship has been unhealthy and unfulfilling.
If there was no “straw that broke the camel’s back”, for example, addiction, domestic abuse and/or infidelity, maybe the two of you just grew apart. This happens for many empty-nest couples. It can happen at other times in a relationship or marriage as well.
Are you the person who is leaving the relationship, or are you the person being left behind? The breakup looks very different for the person leaving and the person being left behind.
And the blame is there because it is necessary for the person who is left behind to salvage some of their dignity. No one wants to look their extended family in the face and say, “(my significant other) wants a divorce and it is all my fault.” No, at least initially the person left behind will say,“ (my significant other) wants a divorce, and I don’t know why. S/he must be having an affair or something. I have tried my hardest.” And they may even believe it!
If you are the one who wants a divorce, be prepared to face being blamed for “destroying” a relationship, a family. When you make your decision to divorce, ask yourself three questions:
- Is breaking up the right thing to do for me?
- Is this the right time for me to break up?
- In good conscience, have I done everything I could to make this relationship successful?
If, in all honesty, you are able to answer yes to those three questions, perhaps it is time to start planning your exit strategy.
Summary
If this blog has provided you with some useful information about breaking-up in an intimate relationship and you want to learn more about the steps to break up in a healthy, kind manner, please read my book, Relationships Relearned: A Guide to Achieving Healthy and Successful Relationships.
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com
In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view my books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.
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