Guidelines to Fighting Fair in Relationships
Welcome to my blog Guidelines to Fighting Fair in Relationships.
If you have ever been in a relationship, it is likely that when emotions were running high, you have had a heated exchange of words. Maybe you called it a disagreement, an argument, a dispute, or even a “fight”.
It doesn’t matter if that relationship involves a couple in an intimate relationship, two 5 year olds playing on a playground or two countries disputing borders for the last 5,000 years. There are only four resolutions to any disagreement:
I win — you win
I win — you lose
I lose — you win
I lose — you lose
In a caring, supportive, non-abusive relationship the goal is always a win-win. How you arrive at that win-win will be based on your ability to “fight fair”, your willingness to follow “rules of engagement”. If you both are not working toward a win-win, someone will lose. Too many losses and the relationship will crumble.
The overt and covert reasons for an argument
There are always the obvious or overt reasons for arguments. They usually involve common everyday situations. They usually involve not being clear about expectations, for example, cell phone usage. Have you agreed that cell phones are put away during meals? Do you share pass codes? In terms of money, is one person a “spender” and one person is a “saver”? There are four common reasons for disagreements in relationships. In this election year another one has been added. The five overt reasons for arguments include:
• Money
• Children or parenting
• Sex
• Cell phones
• And the latest hot topic: politics
Then there are the not so obvious or covert reasons for arguing. These reasons may not be verbalized, but the undertone is always present. If someone felt like what they were saying was important to the other person, they might not feel disrespected. They would feel like they were heard. The covert reasons people argue are:
• Feeling disrespected or unheard
• Someone putting their ego before the relationship
Why have rules?
In every competition, from football to Grand Theft Auto to Monopoly to Uno there are rules to provide:
• Consistency
• Predictability
• Safety
• Structure
There are also “rules” for disagreeing with your partner, family, friends and co-workers. Now might be a good time to review my last two blogs on 15 Tips on Being Graceful in Winning, or my blog 15 Tips to Being Graceful in Defeat!
Determining how to fight fair
Have you and your partner identified “rules of engagement” or how to “fight fair” when you disagree about something? Could you identify 5 “rules” to always follow? Would your partner identify the same 5 “rules”?
Do you generally make “an appointment” to discuss something after the kids have gone to bed or do you ambush your partner with, “We need to talk right now!”
Do you decide in advance what will be talked about? Are you always sure of what you are arguing about? How long you will discuss the subject? How do you decide a neutral location? How do you point out the rules have been violated? Do you have a code word for taking a time out?
How do you know when you have reached a resolution?
15 Tips for Fighting Fair – The Rules
- Maintain your emotional control.
Keep your cool. No yelling, swearing, interrupting or name calling. - The goal is always a win-win.
If this isn’t your goal, then you are not being honest about your motive. - Listen more than you speak.
“Silent” and “listen” have the same letters. Think: two ears and one mouth. - Know why you are arguing.
Sometimes the problem is not the problem; it is really layers of unresolved issues. - Watch your tone.
Your tone is more important than your words and body language combined. - Be open about your feelings while respecting the feelings of others.
In healthy relationships, no feeling is off the table for exploration. - Avoid the blame game.
Blaming someone else is an admission you are wrong. - No threats of divorce, separation or breakup.
This is a slippery slope to eroding a person’s commitment to the relationship. - Don’t keep score.
Keeping a running tally assumes you will throw wins back at your partner. - Handling anger in front of children.
If you decide to argue in front of children, make sure you are a good role model. - Avoid circular arguments.
Arguments can be like tornados; they pick up debris as they swirl and get larger. - Avoid an argument when HALT is present.
Don’t even start if either person is hungry (H), angry (A), lonely (L) or tired (T). - Keep family and friends out of your argument.
They will remember the argument long after you have forgotten. - Don’t fight in public.
It is embarrassing, others get uncomfortable and you become fodder for gossip. - Repair the damage.
At the end, if you were wrong, or you said something mean or hurtful, apologize.
Physical or emotional abuse is NEVER acceptable
Everyone has a right to feel safe and be free of physical and emotional abuse. Using humiliation, criticism and/or degrading names has no place in a healthy relationship. To understand more about healthy relationships, please check out my article What is a Healthy Relationship
Get professional help
If you are unable to resolve differences in an amicable manner, and you still value the relationship, get professional help. You don’t have to wait until things escalate out of control.
Relationships are optional
Sometimes a relationship is so toxic it shouldn’t exist. If you have given the relationship every reasonable effort and it still drains you, end it. While ending a relationship is never easy, keeping it going “for the sake of the children” or because it might be embarrassing to admit you “made a mistake” or “failed” are no reasons to continue a relationship. Just let the relationship go.
Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.
