Welcome to my blog on 15 Tips to Being Graceful in Defeat!
There are many blogs and articles devoted to managing losses that are highly personal, for example, the death of someone close to you, the loss of companionship due to an extended separation (military duty or incarceration) or severing relationships through unfriending or divorce.
This blog is going to help you manage those other losses or defeats that are less personal in nature, but still important to you. For example, the presidential candidate you have been passionate about is defeated, or your favorite sports team loses in the championship game. At the time these defeats feel overwhelming. You will probably feel angry, frustrated and maybe even betrayed by the injustice of it all.
An example of being graceful in defeat
The best lesson I ever learned about winning and losing gracefully was from my son’s middle school travel soccer team. His team was very good; they were state champions. One Saturday they played in a tournament at Maine Maritime Academy. The game was against an excellent out-of-state team. To say the game was fierce and heated would be a gross understatement. By the intensity of the play you could tell this win was important to both teams. To this day, I can’t remember which team won and which team was defeated. What I can tell you is that after this incredibly intense, physical game, within 30 minutes all of the boys from both teams ended up in the pool laughing, joking and playing Marco Polo together. For them, when the game was over, the competition was over. It was time to move along. We all should have that ability.
When differences affect relationships
People in relationships do not always agree on sports teams or politics. One person may vehemently support one political party and a partner, parent or friend may vehemently support the opposing political party. Two couples who have publicly exemplified opposing political viewpoints are:
• James Carville (Democrat) and Mary Matlin (Republican) during the Bill Clinton presidency
• Kelley Ann Conway (Republican) and George Conway (Democrat) during the Donald Trump presidency
Of course no one except the couples themselves knows what happens behind closed doors, but both couples have remained married through some fairly public disagreements over politics.
It may be a faded memory, but during virtually every presidential election in modern times, the plea has been made for people to go out and vote because “This is the most consequential election ever!” This election cycle is no different.
Having a calm discussion with a partner or friend about your reasons for supporting a candidate or team is ideal. However, frequently passions can rise to a fever pitch. At some point in your escalating enthusiasm you and/or the other person may cross a boundary from a healthy discussion into a personal attack zone.
It is at this point you will need to think about what is more important, the relationship or the team/candidate.
When defeat affects relationships
The game is over; the election is in the rear view mirror. Now what? It isn’t so much about the defeat as how you manage the defeat. Are you like those middle school boys and quickly move along after a win / defeat, or do you choose to hang onto the angst? At what cost to you and those around you?
When the stakes are high, for example, an election, the need for graceful losing is even more important. Being able to lose gracefully demonstrates the depth of someone’s character. It is really your reputation at stake. To sincerely congratulate winners, even when you vehemently disagree with the outcome, shows character. And character is always more important than winning.
Tips for facing defeat gracefully
- Remember you have been here before.
In your lifetime you have probably faced many losses and many defeats. Granted, the personal losses were probably harder to accept than the less personal defeats. But you survived. You were able to come to a resolution and find acceptance. You were able to survive. This too shall pass. - Congratulate the winner.
Agreed, this is easier said than done. Whether it was the big game or an election it is not the end of the world. Your opportunity will come again. That’s why you need to have a positive spirit and take the defeat in stride. When you congratulate others on their win, you will start to rid your mind of the negativity. - Keep your cool.
If your favorite team or candidate loses, there may be a period of time when you feel like screaming your lungs out or throwing a tantrum. This is normal. But there is a pretty big difference between feeling like doing something and actually doing it. Keep your cool. Don’t do anything now that you will regret later. - Choose your social media posts wisely.
There is free speech in this country. You can say anything you want on your social media, but keep in mind, just because you can post anything you want, it doesn’t mean you should. Anything you post online in anger will be there forever, for any potential new partner or employer to see. - Mourn, accept how you feel.
Sometimes loses take some time to get over. It really can feel like you are in mourning. You will likely go through many emotions before you are able to accept the loss. It isn’t “silly” to feel this way. It is okay. It is normal to feel angry, frustrated and disappointed. Just don’t dwell here too long! - Don’t take a defeat personally.
If you have been very invested in the outcome of an event it can be easy to feel if you had done “more” the outcome might have been different. This may be true for a job interview or a relationship. It is not true for your team or candidate winning or losing. Taking it personally will only make the loss feel worse. - Admit you cannot control everything.
While there are many things in life you can control, there are many more things you cannot, for example the outcome of a ball game or election. When you become stuck in a sense of injustice, you will miss much of what life has to offer and the world will miss what you have to offer in return. - Learn from the experience.
Ask yourself the Paradigm Shift question of, “How can I think about this event
(loss) differently?” If you dwell on the negative, it will send you into a negative spiral. Life is not just about living but also about learning. Learn to gracefully accept defeat. Chances are good your candidate or team will be back again. - Things will get better.
Championship games happen every year. Elections happen every November; there is a president elected every 4 years. If your team or candidate didn’t win, you won’t feel this way forever. Do what you need to do to move along and trust that you are prepared for the next “battle”. Breathe. - Stop blaming and/or making excuses.
It is very common to become overly critical and make excuses when there has been a defeat, for example, “The referees were terrible!” or “The election was rigged!” This attitude can be debilitating because it forces you to stay in a negative emotional state. - Bring your hopes up again.
Defeat feels horrible. It doesn’t matter if it is a video game, a relationship or an election. Whenever something doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, you can allow the negativity to consume you, or you can decide to turn it around. Be sure you do not let hope die. - Put things in perspective.
People often make the mistake of dwelling on defeats of the past. Instead of brooding over the defeat, think of what can be done to create a turnaround. Regardless of the magnitude of defeat, focusing on the next win can help you go around and make it big. - Accept the defeat.
You don’t need to go through life feeling like victim. Acceptance of events is necessary to move forward. Once the game is over or the election has been conceded, perhaps you can be in a place to accept the outcome and move along. - Find someone to talk to.
It is okay to vent to a few close friends and family members. By talking about it you may be able to see the defeat from another perspective. This person can help you to ground yourself in reality again. If there is no one in your world who can be objective, talk to a therapist. - Find someone to talk to. It is okay to vent to a few close friends and family members. By talking about it you may be able to see the defeat from another perspective. This person can help you to ground yourself in reality again. If there is no one in your world who can be objective, talk to a therapist.
For more information, please see last weeks blog 15 Tips on Being Graceful in Winning
Quotes on winning and losing
“Winning doesn’t have to be at someone’s expense.”
Frank Sonnenberg (1955- ), Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
“I thought it wasn’t winning or losing but how you played the game that matters. Just ask anyone who came in second place if that is true.”
Kenneth Eade (1957- ), An Evil Trade
“Those are the bad guys, right? It depends on who wins, I guess.”
― Shannon A. Thompson, Minutes Before Sunset
Are current life situations causing you stress? Do you need a plan or new ideas on how to decrease your stress and anxiety? My book may help: Crush Your Stress: 302 Coping Skills for Managing Your Stress.
