Statistically, two out of every three American homes include a pet. As a result, Americans are more likely to have pets than children!
Ninety-five percent of those pet owners consider their pets to be family members, not just “pets.” The pets are called their “fur babies”.
When you are at the local rescue organization looking at those cute, adorable little creatures all vying for your attention and just begging to go home with you, you might want to also consider the long-term effect on your intimate relationship of bringing home a new “fur baby”. The impact on your relationship might surprise you.
When you are single and you choose to adopt a pet, the only person that is impacted is you. You will be the person who takes financial responsibility for the pet. You are the one who plays with it, interacts with it, and socializes it. You are the one who has to take into consideration who will take care of your pet if you decide to go out to dinner with friends after work or go away for the weekend. All the pleasure and all the responsibility are on you.
Going from a single person to a couple when there are pets involved can be a bonding experience or a nightmare.
Pet Owner vs. Pet Parent
What happens if one of you is a “pet owner” and the other is a “pet parent”? What is the difference? For a pet owner, the dog or cat is part of the family, but decisions are not made based on the existence of a pet. A pet owner can board a pet at a kennel during vacations.
A pet parent wouldn’t consider leaving their pet alone for an extended period during work or vacation. A pet parent considers the dog or cat part of the family, the way they would take a child into consideration when making plans.
In many states, pets are not your “fur baby” but a possession with ownership, just like a car. What happens if / when you break up and there is a question of who “owns” the dog? Think about this when you are applying for pedigree papers, signing the adoption agreement and/or setting up a relationship with a veterinarian. This is especially important in situations in which there is domestic abuse. Pets can be used as pawns in abuse or divorce cases.
Another aspect to keep in mind is what happens to the pet in the event of a natural disaster, for example, Hurricane Katrina. Pets were not allowed in the Superdome, a safe human refuge from the effects of the hurricane. Many pet owners would not leave their flooding homes and ended up in dire circumstances.
Existing Pets and Moving in Together
What happens to the relationship between you and your significant other if one or both of you have pets at the time you move in together? Or the two of you get along well, but your pets are at war?
Version One:
You have a dog that you have had for 3 years. Your new significant other does not like dogs. Are you willing to surrender your pet for the sake of the relationship?
Version Two:
Your significant other has had a cat for 8 years. You are allergic to cats. Your significant other refuses to rehome the cat and has suggested you get weekly allergy shots. What do you do?
Version Three:
You have had two adult cats for 6 years. Your significant other has a one-year-old, full-of-energy Golden Retriever puppy. Your home is loud and chaotic with either the puppy chasing startled cats to the top of the refrigerator or the cats hissing and scratching the puppy. How long will this relationship last?
These scenarios will take a significant amount of negotiation and communication. But at least you knew about the conflict as you were moving in together. With enough patience and mutual trust and respect, it is possible to negotiate a solution everyone can live with.
No Pets When You Move in Together
When you enter into a relationship, major decisions such as having a pet must be discussed with your significant other. Anything short of having a mutual agreement, and the relationship will suffer or be destroyed as a result of bringing a pet into the home and relationship.
Version One:
You want a puppy. Without having an agreement or even a discussion with your significant other, you go to the humane society alone and adopt a puppy. You bring your new fur baby home to a very surprised significant other.
Version Two:
You want a puppy. You have had numerous discussions with your significant other, who adamantly does not want a puppy. Your significant other feels they are too expensive, would interfere with “couple time”, and would decrease any spontaneity of just being able to go off and do whatever, whenever. Without reaching an agreement, you go to the humane society alone and adopt a puppy. You bring home your new fur baby to a very angry significant other.
Version Three:
The two of you discuss getting a puppy. You are both in agreement that a puppy or kitten would positively contribute to your home and relationship. You both have discussed and understand the responsibilities of pet ownership. You go to the humane society together. You choose a kitten or a puppy together. You go home with a “fur baby”. Congratulations!
People frequently adopt a fur baby thinking it will be less responsibility than a human baby. To some extent this is certainly true, but there are some similarities, for example, making sure the pet is fed, taking it to the doctor (veterinarian), making sure it is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Once the decision is made to bring a pet into your relationship, your primary relationship will change forever.
Who Wants the Pet?
If only one of you wants a pet, are you setting up a dynamic of you and your pet against your significant other?
When only one person wants a pet, it can also bring about a potential for jealousy: “You spend more time with your cat than you do me!”
There can also be resentment about the amount of money spent on pet food, training classes and veterinary care. Resentment can also occur when the person who wasn’t consulted or didn’t want a pet is asked to take it for a walk on a rainy morning, clean the litter box, or take it to the vet.
Rarely is it relationship-enhancing to bring a pet into a relationship without a long discussion about the implications of adding a new member to the household. In some cases, the person who wants a pet may know this and decides it is better to “ask forgiveness rather than ask permission.” The thought process may be that once the fluffy little bundle of cuteness is in the home, the other person will fall in love with it, too.
Maybe.
If both people have talked about bringing a pet into their relationship and they are in agreement, relationships can actually improve. A pet can make a couple into a family. A pet gives you an opportunity to work together and negotiate differences. Having a pet can even give insight, or a “trial run”, before having children, to see how each of you would handle the change in responsibilities and routine!
A Change in Family Priorities
There is only so much time in a day. After adopting a pet, the amount of time you spend with your significant other will change. It has to! Maybe it is more time together (walking the dog together, playing with the pet together). Or it could be less time together if one person is responsible for all the pet care, for example, feeding, washing, cleaning pet beds or blankets, and vet visits.
There is a pretty good chance your sleep will be affected by having pets in the home. What happens if you or your significant other is a “light sleeper” and your new nocturnal cat likes to meow and play with toys all night? What happens to those lazy mornings of sleeping in on the weekend when your dog starts pacing to go out at 6 a.m., just like every other day of the week? What happens when your new pet insists on sleeping between you and your significant other on the bed after you have said, “No pets on the bed!”?
Oh, and how will having a pet on your bed affect your sex life?
Summary
Adopting a new puppy or kitten is a commitment for the life of the pet. Or it should be.
It is not if but how your intimate relationship will be affected by having pets in the home. Are you ready, willing, and able to bring your patience and respect to the relationship?
If you are curious about what else affects your primary relationship, I suggest reading the self-help book, Relationships Relearned: A Guide to Achieving Healthy and Successful Relationships, written by Kathryn Maietta, LCSW. Available on Amazon.
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com
In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view my books and novellas I have written, please visit my Amazon Authors Page.
To be notified of future posts, please enter your email address and click on the Subscribe button.
If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: KathrynMaietta.com
| AI has not been used to create any content for my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted. All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta. |
Leave a Reply
Your email is safe and will not be shared.