Relationships Are Optional –
Hopefully you have read the other four companion blogs on Justin and Megan. If you have, you have increased your knowledge about:
• attitudes that prevent you from expressing your feelings – How My Attitude Prevents Expressing Feelings
• attitudes that prevent you from listening – 10 Attitudes That Turn People Off To Listening
• red flags in relationships – 5 Red Flags That Make Your Relationships Vulnerable
• green flags in relationships – Green Flags: A Good Sign That Your Relationship Is Strong
Do you wonder what happened to Justin and Megan? Keep reading!
Definition of “Relationships are Optional”
I was a clinical social worker for almost 40 years. As I saw it, my job was to provide support, education and guidance to my clients. Many clients came to see me because of problems they were experiencing in their relationships. They were trying to “fit a square peg into a round hole”.
This is when I started using the phrase “relationships are optional”. It means that no one is required to be in a relationship. Granted, humans are social beings. And many people prefer to be in a relationship. But being coupled is not a requirement for a satisfying, successful life.
What this means in terms of relationships is that sometimes people who are “square pegs” try to fit into a conflictual relationship, a “round hole”. While the square peg can fit into the round hole, it doesn’t make it an exact fit.
Some people (square pegs) will spend a lifetime trying to fit into the “round hole”, and when the relationship doesn’t feel successful, they end up thinking there is something wrong with them instead of realizing square pegs just aren’t going to fit into a round hole. Sometimes relationships just don’t work. That is when it might be time to look at finding a “square hole person”. Because relationships are optional.
Deal Breakers in Relationships
There are “deal breakers” in every relationship. Behavior that is so egregious that many relationships never come back from it, no matter how many other protective factors are present.
- If there is emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse in your intimate relationship, get out! But do it safely. Contact your local resource program for victims of domestic abuse. This is one situation where actions (abuse) speak louder than words (promises). See my blog on How to Define Domestic Abuse
When there has been abuse, if there is to be a future relationship, the abuser must:
• STOP being abusive IMMEDIATELY
• ADMIT to being abusive
• Not BLAME the other person for the abuse (“You made me hit you.”)
• ACKNOWLEDGE the effect of abuse on victims
• NOT dictate couples counseling (this is a horrible idea that intensifies abuse toward the victim!! Couples counseling also makes abuse seem like it is a couples problem as opposed to bad behavior by the abuser / batterer.)
• RECEIVE EDUCATION about what domestic abuse is, preferably in the form of a batterer’s intervention program
- If there is emotional, physical and/or sexual infidelity. Any of these can be devastating to a significant other. If there is to be a future relationship, the unfaithful partner must:
• STOP the infidelity IMMEDIATELY
• ADMIT to the infidelity
• Not BLAME the other person for his/her infidelity (“I just needed someone to talk to!”)
• NOT dictate couples counseling (This is a horrible idea that implies the infidelity is the fault of the significant other.)
• RECEIVE EDUCATION about healthy relationships, perhaps in the form of therapy to identify why someone would choose infidelity over working on the relationship or ending the relationship
Justin and Megan
Let’s go back to our fictional characters, Justin and Megan. You have certainly learned a lot about relationships from them! Throughout this five-part series there have been 3 consistent questions. Will Megan and Justin:
• continue to “exist” by living in day-to-day survival mode?
• put effort into rejuvenating their relationship?
• decide to walk away?
They have three options:
Option 1: Justin and Megan continue to “exist” by living in day-to-day survival mode.
Why might they choose this option?
This is the path of least resistance. They continue doing what they are doing. It means not changing any of the patterns they have developed. Whatever energy they have will go into their work, their children and maintaining the physical requirements of being homeowners (mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, etc.).
What happens if this option is chosen?
Nothing changes. They continue to drift. They continue to live their lives separately, but together under the same roof. They continue to parent their children and continue to live in survival mode until the next critical cycle in their relationship occurs. If their relationship survives for another 10 years, they will face another crisis when their children leave home: the empty nest.
Option 2: Justin and Megan put effort into rejuvenating their relationship.
Why might they choose this option?
After being married for 7 years, having 2 children together, and buying a house together, they have invested a lot of time, money and effort into this relationship. If they are like many couples, they know relationships are a series of ups and downs.
What happens if this option is chosen?
Justin and Megan realize this is only a cycle in their relationship. They choose to focus on the protective factors in their relationship as opposed to the difficulties. Their relationship thrives, and they grow old together.
Option 3: Justin and Megan decide to walk away from their relationship.
Why might they choose this option?
Their emotional withdrawal has gone too far, and they have reached a point of no return. The effort to divorce seems less than the effort to repair the relationship.
What happens if this option is chosen?
Justin and Megan end their relationship. While there hasn’t been domestic abuse or infidelity, they have emotionally withdrawn from each other. They no longer look to each other for their emotional and physical needs. They have chosen to focus on the problems in their relationship (red flags) as opposed to the protective factors (green flags).
What they do not realize is that co-parenting as a divorced couple can be even more challenging than co-parenting under the same roof! A discussion about that is another blog for another day!
Rejecting “Relationships are Optional”
If Justin and Megan decide to reject the concept that relationships are optional, they will need to put in some effort to bring their relationship to where they want it to be. (See my article on 30 Ways to Boost Resilience.) Their focus should be on the following:
- Without blaming, both must acknowledge there are problems in their relationship.
- Both must recommit to their relationship. They must decide their relationship is “worth” working on.
- Both must STOP using phrases like, “I am not having fun in my relationship anymore.” Relationships require effort every day!
- Plan alone time together (no children). Perhaps a weekly “date night” or a weekend away so they can focus on their relationship as opposed to only seeing each other as parents.
- Both Justin and Megan will need to learn how to respectfully disagree. Avoidance of conflict does not equal a satisfactory relationship. See my blog post – Guidelines to Fighting Fair in Relationships
- Justin and Megan should consider going to couples counseling. A therapist can sometimes be a neutral mediator, someone who can facilitate communication.
- Take a class together: ballroom dancing, small engine repair, basket weaving, painting, photography, etc. It should be something neither Megan nor Justin knows anything about. The purpose is to increase shared experiences that only the two of them will have.
- Learn to attack the problem, not each other.
Summary
Attention and effort are required to obtain and maintain a successful relationship. Successful relationships are grown by putting effort toward the protective factors of time, communication, shared experiences, kindness and respect. Relationships can be phenomenally rewarding.
Admittedly, at times relationships can also be incredibly challenging. If those challenges are due to domestic abuse or infidelity, you have a lot to think about. If your challenges are due to constant conflict, apathy, lack of trust, avoidance or conflicting goals, and you don’t choose to put effort into the relationship, perhaps it is time to end it. Remember, relationships are optional.
PS. Justin and Megan decided to put effort into their relationship. While they still experience ups and downs, they both felt their relationship was worth salvaging.
Quote
“If you live to be a hundred, I want
To live to be a hundred minus one day,
So I never have to live without you.”
Winnie the Pooh
HappyWivesClub.com – Marriage Quotes
With warmest regards,
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