Comments from Kathryn Maietta, the author of this blog and a licensed clinical social worker. Identifying and strengthening boundaries is something I have frequently talked with clients about in therapy. A boundary is a barrier between you and other people, a limitation beyond which you will not go, and beyond which others are not welcome. If you are concerned that setting boundaries will harm your relationship with someone else, the relationship is probably not healthy.
The only people who get upset when you enforce boundaries are the people who benefit from you not holding firm with your boundaries. If you enforce your boundaries, it will be important for you to be okay with discomfort. You will probably have negative reactions when you enforce your boundaries.
Do you ever feel like you’re giving so much of yourself that there’s nothing left? Boundaries help you honor your limits and can protect your emotional and mental health. They are a way to create balance in your life and focus on what truly matters while maintaining meaningful connections.
Take a moment to reflect on the areas in your life that leave you feeling depleted. Are you saying yes to every request at work? Are you always available for family or friends? Scrolling endlessly on social media? Once you’ve pinpointed where your energy feels stretched too thin, start small. Set a mental goal to say no to one thing, or set a clear time limit for yourself. Boundaries are an act of self-care and a message to others that your time and well-being are priorities worth protecting.
What are Boundaries?
A boundary is the emotional, physical and sexual separation between you and someone else. It is the virtual line where you end and someone else begins. You are the person that sets your boundaries, both:
- the boundaries you will not cross, for example, “I will not lie to my partner.”
- the boundaries you will not allow anyone else to cross, for example, “I will not let anyone smoke cigarettes in my car.”
These are your boundaries. Your boundaries are part of your ethics. They are there for your mental health. Once you set your boundaries, and you are consistent with enforcing them, people are more likely to respect those boundaries. It is best to have conversations about boundaries when things are going well.
If you are wishy-washy, and sometimes you enforce your boundaries, and sometimes you don’t, it is very likely you will be continually challenged. For example, have you ever been to the grocery store and seen a young child at the check-out line trying to convince his/her parent to buy candy? The parent says, “No.” The child pleads, the parent says, “No.” The child begs; the parent says, “No.” The child whines and says, “Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhy?” and the parent says, “Oh alright. Just one candy bar. And make it small!” We have all seen this scenario play out. What have both the parent and the child learned about the parent’s boundaries?
What boundaries do is convey to the people around you that you are a priority, someone deserving of respect.
Steps to Setting Boundaries
It is important to learn how to set a boundary, and how to find a balance in setting your boundaries so you are not perceived as being too weak or too strong. Setting boundaries is not easy.
Identify what triggers you.
Decide what triggers you, what makes you feel overwhelmed, angry or guilty, for example, disrespect, not paying back borrowed money, lying.
Set your boundaries.
Write down the boundaries you will not cross, and the boundaries you will not let anyone else cross.
Be clear with others about your boundaries.
Be secure and confident within your boundaries. When things are calm, have a discussion about your boundaries with those around you.
Address it when your boundaries have been crossed.
Be assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Don’t shut down (being passive) and don’t verbally vomit (being aggressive).
Take care of yourself.
Be true to yourself. You set your boundaries for a reason. You have a right to your boundaries, even if others don’t like it.
Types of Boundaries
There are many types of boundaries, for example, emotional, physical, sexual, digital and financial. And there are boundaries we have with other people in our life, for example, our significant other and our children.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries include my thoughts and feelings.
Example of an emotional boundary I will not cross: I will not lie to my significant other.
Example of an emotional boundary I will not let someone else cross: I will not tolerate someone humiliating me.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are the physical space between myself and others.
Example of a physical boundary I will not cross: I will not sit right next to someone on the subway if there are other seats open.
Example of a physical boundary I will not let someone else cross: I will not allow anyone to be closer to me than 6 ft.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries include activities of who, when, where and with whom.
Example of a sexual boundary I will not cross: I will not cheat on my partner.
Example of a sexual boundary I will not let someone else cross: I will not remain in a relationship with someone who cheats on me.
Digital Boundaries
Digital boundaries include all the technological ways I interact with others.
Example of a digital boundary I will not cross: I will not post pictures online that include my partner without his/her consent.
Example of a digital boundary I will not let someone else cross: I will not allow my partner to scroll at will, through my cell phone or computer.
Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries include how much money I make and what I do with it.
Example of a financial boundary I will not cross: I will not share my bank account passwords.
Example of a financial boundary I will not let someone else cross: I will not share how much money I have in the bank.
Relationship Boundaries
Relationship boundaries are all the ways you interact with the people you have close personal relationships with, including family and friends.
Example of a relationship boundary I will not cross: I will always call if I am going to be later than expected.
Example of a relationship boundary I will not let someone else cross: I will not get badgered into doing something I don’t want to do.
Boundaries Involving Children
Boundaries concerning children involve parenting, step-parenting, disciplining and teaching.
Example of a boundary involving children I will not cross: I will not call my significant other derogatory names in front of the children.
Example of a boundary involving children I will not let someone else cross: I will not allow my significant other to disrespect me in front of the children.
It can be difficult, but rewarding, to identify your boundaries and then maintain them with those around you. Identifying, maintaining and enforcing boundaries can enhance relationships.
Take Away Point
You do not need to ask permission from anyone to identify, maintain and enforce your boundaries. All it requires is for you to identify what triggers you, and what you want to do about someone who crosses your boundary.
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com
In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view the books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.
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If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: KathrynMaietta.com
| AI has not been used to create any content for my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted. All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta. |
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