Since the start of the pandemic there has been a lot of discussion about people feeling alone and about people feeling lonely. Divisive politics especially around election time and end-of-year holidays seem to exacerbate these feelings.
Frequently, people will use these two words interchangeably. They could not be further apart:
- Alone is a physical state; you are the only person present.
- Lonely is an emotional state; you feel sad, hopeless or betrayed.
Even if it is “before your time”, perhaps you have heard of the 1968 Three Dog Night song entitled, One (Is the Loneliest Number)? It is a song frequently referenced when discussing being alone and being lonely! Check it out!
Alone
Alone occurs when you are the only person around. If you have difficulty remembering the difference between alone and lonely, just think of the first letter in alone, “a”. The letter A is singular, you are alone.
As long as you feel connected to yourself and are “happy in your own skin” there is nothing “wrong” with being alone. Sometimes people who are comfortable spending time away from others are called introverts. They are people who enjoy their own company to the company of others.
You may feel perfectly fine spending time alone, but for others, it seems like a horrible plan! For example, “What do you mean, you have no plans for Thanksgiving?” or “What do you mean, you want to go hiking by yourself?” Some people enjoy the solitude of being alone, of being with their thoughts, of being able to process information in their own way at their own speed. There is nothing “wrong” with this!
If it is not imposed on you, being alone can be a healthy choice. Imposing solitude on someone else can be emotionally damaging. Remember, your relationship to yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have in your life. If you feel good about yourself, good “in your own skin”, this will carry over to all other relationships.
It is absolutely possible to be alone without feeling lonely.
Lonely
You can feel lonely in a crowd of people. You feel disconnected from others. It feels like you are lacking a connection. This can be a fleeting feeling or it can last for days, weeks or even months. People who lose a loved one due to separation, death or divorce can feel lonely for extended periods of time.
Or it can be a pervasive feeling not associated with a specific event, for example a divorce. Loneliness is frequently associated with feeling unwanted or “empty”, even when others are around.
Loneliness frequently looks like a behavioral health issue, depression. Both are characterized by an emotional and physical withdrawal from others, an absence of self-care (personal hygiene) and/or motivation to maintain connections with others, including reaching out to others.
People can feel lonely in many situations. You can also feel lonely when you are starting a new job, or going to a new school. There may be many people around at your new job or new school, but you feel lonely. If you do not have a strong bond or connection with your significant other, you can feel lonely in a relationship, too. With divisive politics, if you are someone who aligns with one political party, but end up being surrounded with people who have an opposing political view, you can feel very lonely!
It can also feel lonely if you have “bar buddies” or “work friends”, but no one seems like they care about you or your life outside of the bar or work.
Social Media’s Influence
There is a pretty big difference between being alone and feeling lonely and being alone and feeling connected. Cell phones and social media (Facebook, tik tok, Instagram, Twitter) have changed how we feel connected to the world. For example, a child at college 400 miles away from home can still easily interact with family members via their cell phone or social media. A parent and child who are physically distant can Face Time and still see all of the facial expressions that are so important to communication. It allows the child who is away at college to be physically alone, but emotionally connected.
On the other hand, cell phones and social image crafting can exacerbate being alone and feeling lonely. People tend to post on social media only the “perfect” pictures, only the most exciting of adventures and only the positive achievements. Or people post “the worst of the worst” about all the horrid things going on in their world. There is a reason there are “influencers” on social media. Social image crafting is about people who are physically alone seeing all of the fun things they are missing. If you do not want to be physically alone, images of people having fun can make you feel lonely, socially isolated.
Stop comparing yourself to others on Facebook. It is all an illusion!
Change Feeling Lonely into Being Alone
Above all else, you are not alone in feeling lonely. It is a pretty common feeling.
How do you change feeling lonely to an acceptance of being alone? It can be done.
- Do a paradigm shift. Think about being alone differently, for example, being alone allows you to be more creative, it gives you time to recharge your emotional energy without interruption or influence and it can actually improve your relationships (think absence makes the heart grow fonder).
- Loneliness could be your brain’s way of motivating you to reach out and build a support system. Chances are in every group there were will be several people who feel exactly the same way you do!
- Join a book club, bicycle club, Dungeons and Dragons group, a gym, bird watching club, an adult education class, anything where you might connect with other like-minded people.
- Two for one. For every negative self-judgement statement, replace it with two positives. For example, instead of “What’s wrong with me that I can’t handle big groups of people?”, try, “I really prefer interacting one-on-one” and “I am best at giving attention to others when we are one-to-one.”
- If Thanksgiving was lonely for you this year, start planning for next year. Plan on volunteering at a soup kitchen next year, or volunteer to work on Thanksgiving. Get out of your own head.
- Focus on the future and how you WILL handle something, not on the past and how you have “always” felt lonely, or how you feel lonely right now.
If you find you are feeling lonely and are having difficulty with everyday tasks in life, consider talking with a trusted family member (Surprising Influence That People Have On You) or a therapist. Feeling lonely for long periods of time can actually affect your physical health. Take care of yourself! You deserve it!
Take Away Point
Being alone and feeling lonely are entirely different. You do not have to feel lonely. You can do something about it!
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
https://relationshipsrelearned.com
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