“Is this all there is?” “Is this as good as it gets?” As a licensed clinical social worker, a mental health therapist, these are two questions I hear frequently from clients. Both questions speak to the feelings of monotony, disappointment, and emptiness some people can feel.
The questions originate from a place of deep listlessness and a profound uncertainty about a person’s purpose beyond their day-to-day existence. Most people experience these questions at a time of major transitions, for example, children leaving the house or retirement.
It can be a time of exciting self-exploration, or it can be a time of debilitating sadness. For many, it is a time when people seek therapy to explore their purpose in life and to understand their place in the world.
There have been three seemingly unrelated influencers who have addressed the topic of existence and satisfaction.
Henrik Ibsen and the Life Illusion
The playwright and “father of modern drama,” Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906) said, “If you take away the life illusion from an average man, you take away his happiness as well.”
A life illusion is the belief that some object or condition will finally bring you the satisfaction for which you long. Ibsen said, “What we all must realize is that we each have a deep longing in our souls and we are searching for something to satisfy this thirst.”
Ibsen said satisfaction is an illusion. At some point reality will destroy it, and nothing destroys an illusion like actually achieving your dreams. He said the most disappointing moment in your life is when you have just achieved the ultimate and it lets you down.
Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development
Erik Erikson (1902-1994) was a German-American developmental psychologist known for his theories on psychosocial development and identity. Erikson divided a person’s life into eight sections. The first five stages relate to a person’s childhood and how we are influenced by those around us (parents, mentors, peers). The last three stages relate to adulthood and how we influence those around us.
Stage Six is called the Young Adulthood Stage and encompasses those in the age group of 18-40. The task is to separate intimacy from isolation. If someone successfully completes this stage of development, they will achieve intimacy. If someone doesn’t successfully complete this stage, they risk feelings of loneliness, alienation, and exclusion.
Stage Seven is called the Middle Adulthood Stage and includes people who are age 40-65. The tasks of this stage include contributing to the growth of others. Psychologically, generativity refers to “making your mark” on the world through creating or nurturing things that will outlast you. If someone is unsuccessful in completing this stage, that person will become stagnant and feel unproductive by failing to find a way to contribute. They may feel disconnected or uninvolved with their community and with society as a whole, resulting in feelings of restlessness and unproductiveness in later life.
Stage Eight is called Older Adulthood or Maturity. People in this stage of development are 65+ years old. In this stage, people reflect on their lives and their accomplishments. If they view their experiences as meaningful, they achieve ego integrity, a sense of satisfaction and readiness to face life’s end. Those who feel they have fallen short of this goal may experience despair, marked by regret, bitterness and/or a fear of death.
Is This All There Is?
In 1969 Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller collaborated on writing a song, Is That All There Is?. It would later be made famous by singer Peggy Lee (1920-2002). In the song, the singer describes being a twelve-year-old girl and attending a much-anticipated circus. When the circus was over, she realized she felt empty, disappointed, and sensed that something was missing.
Then Lee sings about a failed relationship. When it was over, she thought she would die. When she didn’t, she asked herself again, “Is that all there is? At every turn, everything that should have delighted and satisfied her didn’t. There was nothing that filled her expectations or desires. There was always something missing, though she never knew what it was. Everything left her asking, “Is that it?”
Every refrain in the song asked,
Is that all there is?
Is that all there is?
If that’s all there is my friends,
Then let’s keep dancing.
Let’s break out the booze and have a ball,
if that’s all—
there is.
The song is eerie in its summary of life. First, experiences that are supposed to be profound and life-altering end up being underwhelming, almost unimportant. Then comes the questioning of, “Is that all there is?” followed by a search for the meaning of life. The search for deep satisfaction in life is met with disappointment.
The songwriter appears to try to find a way to live and even celebrate life, not
despite its disappointments, but because of them, acknowledging the absurdity in the refrain with a shrug and a dance.
The Cliché
The phrase, “Is this all there is?” has become a cliché. People can look like they have a wonderful life; they went to a good school, had/have a great career, a nice house in the suburbs, and have a great, successful-appearing family. All of those things do not insulate you from reflecting on the cliché.
The question “Is this all there is?” is such a common experience, perhaps even a universal rite of passage. Things move along quickly in adulthood. But quite often, the person living that life feels empty, stifled, and incomplete.
Ibsen said life satisfaction is an illusion. Erikson talked about people reflecting on their lives and their accomplishments as they face them. Peggy Lee sang about things that should have delighted and satisfied her. That there was always something missing, though she never knew what it was.
Ask Yourself
Maybe the best question for you to answer is: “What is it that I loved the most that was lost while navigating school, jobs, relationships, parenting and becoming an adult?”
Then reflect on the question, “Is this all there is?”
Your answer will probably be, “No.” That is great news. At any point in your life, you can fix anything you feel is lacking or missing in your life.
And do you want to know something exciting? At the exact moment you are questioning or doubting yourself, “Is this all there is?”, it means you are receptive to growth! With some reflection and effort, you will be able to answer the question, “What is it that I loved the most that was lost while navigating school, jobs, relationships, parenting and becoming an adult?”
The next step will be facing some difficult truths. Usually, once you are willing to face what you really want in your life, what you want becomes crystal clear. The hard part is accepting it. And once you face it fully, it won’t seem so overwhelming and scary. Say the difficult truths directly and simply: “I no longer like my job.” “I want to change careers.” “I don’t want to live here anymore.” “I made this decision, but now I’ve changed my mind.”
On the other side of that honesty is freedom, movement, spaciousness. You’ll notice that the moment you fully accept and voice what’s true, you’ll already feel a sense of relief, a lessening of tension.
Hold the vision of what you want in mind, front and center. Opportunities to further the life change you want will begin to show up in your life. Instead of asking, “Is this possible?,” Identify the core of what you are seeking and ask yourself, “How can I make this possible?”
When something in you says, “Is this all there is?,” life is calling you into the next evolution of you. You have outgrown what was. The next chapter is ready to be written. Greet it like the sacred door-opening that it is. Walk with it. Don’t be afraid and keep walking.
If you live in Maine or Texas and want someone to help guide you through this process, please contact me: Kathryn@kathrynmaietta.com
Or, if you prefer to go on your own private journey to learning more about yourself, please check out one of my self-help books:
Stop Being Your Own Worst Critic?
Relationships Relearned
Crush Your Stress
Be Angry But Not Aggressive
How To Tame Your Inner Squirrel
The Win-Lose Book
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com
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| AI has not been used to create any content for my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted. All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta. |
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