Comments from Kathryn, the author of this blog and a licensed clinical social worker. The following is a brief excerpt from my book, The Win-Lose Book: 20 Tips for Winning and Losing Gracefully in Sports, Politics and Life. As a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I wrote this book because I saw many clients in my therapy practice struggle with how to win and lose gracefully. They didn’t feel good about themselves or their reactions, and they knew they weren’t being a good role model for their children.
“Unless both sides win, no agreement can be permanent.”
Jimmy Carter (1924-2024)
Former President of the United States
People who are unable to win or lose graciously are frequently very difficult to be around. They push your buttons. They sit on your last nerve. They suck the emotional life out of a room. They are disrespectful. Sometimes the best way of managing people who refuse to win or lose gracefully is to disengage and just walk away.
Oh, if it were always that easy! Preparation is the key to avoiding the drama.
Healthy Responses to Bad Behavior
You have at least five options when it comes to responding to someone else’s inability to regulate his/her emotions. Not all of these options will be effective in being around someone who cannot win or lose gracefully. However, it is likely at least one of the options will work.
Avoidance
Avoid emotionally unregulated people who cannot win or lose gracefully. When all else fails, keep in mind that sometimes it’s best to avoid or walk away from someone or a situation. By avoiding people who cannot win or lose gracefully, you take away their audience. You give them fewer targets to lash out at. A lack of an audience may also defuse the situation. If everyone around them begins giving them a wide berth, perhaps it will be a wake-up call.
By avoiding the person, you are also avoiding escalating a situation. Meeting the other person with the same level of intensity back only increases tensions. Before, there was only one toxic person. If you don’t walk away, there will be two toxic people.
Four Resolutions: Win-Lose
When someone cannot win or lose gracefully, there are only 4 resolutions to an unpleasant interaction. While it may sound simplistic, there are only four resolutions to any conflict. It doesn’t matter if you are speaking about two five-year-olds on a playground, a married couple, or two neighboring countries. There are only four resolutions:
- Win–Win: When both people walk away from a conflict feeling good about the result
- Win–Lose: When one person is walking away from a conflict feeling good, “I got what I wanted!” and the other person walks away not feeling very good.
- Lose–Win: This option is just the opposite of the above resolution. You lose; the other person wins.
- Lose–Lose: When both people walk away from a conflict feeling like they didn’t get what they were seeking.
H.A.L.T.
“HALT” is an acronym commonly used by the “old timers” in Alcoholics Anonymous:
H – Hungry
A – Angry
L – Lonely
T – Tired
The “old timers” would say that if any one of these four risk factors is present (HALT), a relapse is likely to occur. The more risk factors involved, the higher the risk of relapse. For example, if someone were hungry and angry, they are “hangry”. Someone who is hangry is at higher risk of relapse.
This theory is just as true for people who refuse to win or lose gracefully. There is already a heightened sense of arrogance and entitlement going on. Add a risk factor or two and you have an even more volatile situation. For example, someone who is a sore loser and is also tired probably is going to use fewer skills than the person who is “just” a sore loser.
Adults who are hungry, angry, lonely or tired are still responsible for their bad behavior. It just helps in understanding what else might be going on. Though it isn’t your responsibility, feed “the bear” and you might be able to have a more reasonable discussion.
Humor
People who refuse to win or lose gracefully tend to take things in life pretty seriously. They tend to create tension and anxiety in themselves and everyone around them. They feel strongly about their win or loss and tend not to like to listen to reason or to someone asking them to “calm down”.
Though it is not your responsibility, if you are skillful at using humor, this might be a good time to use humor to:
- create a diversion
- break the tension
- deflect negativity away from you
Be sure your humor is not directed at or about the person who refuses to win or lose gracefully! That would be like “throwing gasoline on an existing fire”! You could joke about a shared situation from the past that was humorous. Or try to find some common interests that you can laugh about.
Kindness
Though it might take all the inner fortitude you have, perhaps you could show some kindness to the person who refuses to win or lose gracefully. If you are not one of those people yourself, just think about how it must be to make such a big deal about something the other person probably has no control over.
If it seems difficult to treat someone with kindness when they are not being kind to you, think about your values, for example, respect, integrity, and compassion. When you are thinking about how to live your life according to your own values, you probably are not going to roar at someone who refuses to win or lose gracefully.
If this tactic of your being kind doesn’t work, at least you can still be proud of yourself. You:
- didn’t succumb to negativity
- kept a cool head
- stuck to your values
- didn’t lower your standards
- took the high road
And the bonus is that you may have a better chance of resolving the situation.
Take Away Point
It does nothing for your self-esteem and confidence to be a bystander to the carnage of a giddy winner or sore loser. When you make the choice to be around someone who refuses to win or lose gracefully, you must be sure to have a bag full of skills you can use to manage the resulting unpleasant feelings. The Win-Lose Book: 20 Tips for Winning and Losing Gracefully in Sports, Politics and Life can help you!
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
RelationshipsRelearned.com
RVingNomads.com
In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view the books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.
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If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: KathrynMaietta.com
| AI has not been used to create any content for my website, articles, blogs or books. All material is original unless otherwise noted. All photos and graphics within my website and blogs were taken or created by David Harrington or Kathryn Maietta. |
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