Comments from Kathryn, the author of this blog and a licensed clinical social worker. The following is a brief excerpt from my book, Stop Being Your Own Worst Critic: How to Use Affirmations and Journaling to Improve Your Self-Esteem. As a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I wrote this book because I saw many clients in my therapy practice struggle with their self-esteem and confidence.
Self-esteem and confidence are words that are frequently used interchangeably. However, they do not mean the same thing! Self-esteem is how you think about yourself. Confidence is your outward presentation and appearance, what others see.
Self-Esteem
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)
Self-esteem is a frame of mind that supports you in celebrating your strengths, sees your weaknesses as challenges (not failures) and allows you to feel good about yourself. Since self-esteem comes from within, no one else can make you feel good or bad about yourself without your permission.
Your self-esteem is something you, and you alone, create. Self-esteem frequently dictates the way you interact with others, the decisions you make and the people you choose to surround you.
Individuals with high self-esteem are accepting of themselves and others. They do not need to impress others by the things they own, for example, the bigger house, the flashy car, the designer handbags, or the platinum trim package on their pickup truck. No, their success comes from within.
Examples of Self-Esteem
The following are twenty-five characteristics of someone who has high self-esteem. It is important to understand that you do not need to have all of these examples to have high self esteem:
- Has a positive self-image
- Is assertive; not aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive
- Can accept compliments
- Welcomes criticism
- Can set and enforce boundaries
- Has self-compassion
- Possesses resilience
- Takes responsibility
- Acts, not reacts
- Has multiple healthy coping strategies
- Takes pride in the work they do
- Doesn’t compare themselves to others
- Focuses on being the best person they can be
- Embraces change
- Can acknowledge fear and vulnerability
- Practices gratitude
- Takes time to reflect
- Creates a good work-home life balance
- Maintains good self-care: mind, body and spirit
- Isn’t focused on having to be perfect
- Can celebrate the successes of others
- Has the courage to try new things
- Takes time for themselves
- Knows their strengths and weaknesses
- Acknowledges what they need and can ask for it
Confidence
“Regardless of how you feel inside, always try to look like a winner. Even if you are behind, a sustained look of control and confidence can give you a mental edge that results in victory.”
Diane Arbus (1923-1971)
Confidence is what others see; it is what you outwardly project to others. When someone has confidence, they usually have an expertise in some area of their life, a skill, or an ability visible to others. It could be knowledge of the human body, selling cars, scoring goals, building a road, flying an airplane or designing a house. Whatever the expertise is, it is something others can see.
Feeling confident isn’t about feeling superior to others. That is arrogance. People with confidence don’t need to humiliate or demean anyone else in order to feel good about themselves. The confident person is going to be willing to go outside of their comfort zone and ultimately will present the best version of themselves.
You can have confidence without self-esteem. Some people will work more on what others see on the outside (confidence) rather than working on how they feel about themselves on the inside (self-esteem). You may work very hard at obtaining an outward appearance of success, for example, gaining money, wealth, and possessions. However, you could still feel like a “failure” or an “imposter” on the inside.
Examples of Confidence
The following are twenty-five characteristics of confidence. It is important to understand that you do not need to have all of these examples to have confidence:
- Doesn’t seek approval from others
- Is curious
- Is able to share the spotlight
- Isn’t afraid to ask for help, can be vulnerable
- Is an active listener and observer of others
- A person who makes decisions with ease
- Is able to set and accomplish goals
- Handles failures with grace
- Doesn’t give up
- Has open body language with good eye contact
- Expresses a sincere interest in others and their accomplishments
- Is comfortable initiating conversations with others in social or work situations
- Navigates conflict without escalation
- Is secure in their knowledge and abilities
- Can take risks because failure is just a learning experience
- Is able to process negative feedback
- Isn’t afraid to learn new things
- Is willing to give a helping hand up to others
- Can sit and be comfortable in silence
- Lives according to their principles and values
- Is willing to stand up for others
- Is not judgmental
- Is able to say “No” without guilt
- Expresses gratitude
- Is a mentor
Self-Esteem and/or Confidence?
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. Confidence is what others see. You can certainly have self-esteem AND confidence. You feel good about yourself and it shows.
But can you have one without the other? Yes and no.
Many people portray confidence to the world, but feel inadequate (or lack self-esteem) on the inside. These are the people who exhibit bravado to the world or have a skill such as being good at sports, politics or acting. Just because they are a world class athlete or an award-winning actor, it doesn’t mean they feel good about themselves on the inside.
Some people have high self-esteem, but they don’t care about their presentation to the world. They feel good about themselves and that is all that matters. They may not be the most attractive, wealthiest or most talented person, but they feel good in their own skin.
Take Away Point
If you are interested in learning how to build your self-esteem and/or confidence, please check out my book, Stop Being Your Own Worst Critic: How to Use Affirmations and Journaling to Improve Your Self Esteem.
With warmest regards,
Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
https://relationshipsrelearned.com/my-blog/
https://rvingnomads.com/blog/
In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view the books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.
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If you live in the State of Maine or Texas and seeking individual therapy, please go to my Concierge Therapy website: KathrynMaietta.com
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