Some people can take winning and losing in stride. Others are giddy winners and sore losers. If people are behaving badly in a win or a loss, it is because they have chosen to act that way. Adults can control their behavior.

Can’t = Won’t

People who seem unable to win or lose gracefully are making a choice about their behavior. For the vast majority of people, it isn’t that they are physically or emotionally unable to be graceful in winning or losing; it is that they are choosing to act in a particular way. They have made a choice: to be over-the-top in their celebration in a win or to be verbally or physically destructive in a loss.

It isn’t that they can’t change their behavior to be more graceful. It is that they won’t change their behavior unless…. The only way they will make a change is if there is some sort of motivation; for example, they are at risk of losing a relationship or a job.

It isn’t that people cannot change; it is that they will not change. Can’t equals won’t.

Why Are They Like That?

Why do some people routinely take their responses to a win or a loss to an unhealthy extreme? The reasons will probably be a variation on one of the following:

(These reasons are all based on what goes on in the mind of an individual who refuses to win or lose gracefully. None of these reasons have anything to do with you, specifically what you said or didn’t say, or what you did or didn’t do.)

1. Power and Control
   There are people who feel they are physically and emotionally allowed to be over-the-top in their response to a win or loss. It is always easier to attack a person than it is to solve a problem.
2. Reward
   The bad behavior of the person who cannot win or lose gracefully is frequently rewarded. Their behavior gets them what they want in the least amount of time, with the least amount of effort.
3. The Media
   Divisiveness is actively encouraged by the media. It is what sells. With the advent of cable TV, TV stations had hours and hours of broadcasting to fill.
4. Fear
   When something is not going well for the giddy winners or the sore losers, they may feel threatened or exposed. They want others to feel as badly as they do. Think “misery loves company”.
5. Lack of Emotional Regulation
   The giddy winners and the sore losers probably haven’t put in the time or effort to learn the skills needed to cope with or manage their unpleasant feelings. This is called emotional regulation.

Sometimes it feels “safer” for the giddy winner or the sore loser to be over-the-top with the ones they love and purport to care about. Family and close friends are more likely to let things go and excuse the over-the-top behavior. Family and friends have probably been through this cycle before and know the giddy winner or sore loser will eventually pull out of his or her negative behavior.

Sometimes co-workers or acquaintances know their interaction with a giddy winner or sore loser is time-limited. Perhaps they only work together a couple of hours a day, or once a week. Or it is just that at the end of the day and on the weekends, there will be no contact at all. At that point, co-workers and acquaintances are willing to just let bad behavior go unchecked.

Your Response to Someone Who Refuses to Win and Lose Gracefully

When you are exposed to a person who refuses to win or lose gracefully, you have choices of your own to make. The following are more likely to be effective with family and friends, but could also be used by co-workers or acquaintances.

1. Change subjects.
   Ask to change the subject or take a break from the conversation. If you are tired of hearing about politics, you are well within your rights to ask to change subjects or to take a break from talking politics.
2. Request or guess specifics.
   Giddy winners or sore losers sometimes just ramble in their enthusiasm. Perhaps you have no idea why it matters, or how anyone’s life will be impacted by a Super Bowl win or loss. You could ask them, politely, to explain the importance.
3. Use active listening.
   Sometimes all people want is to be heard. You may agree or disagree with them, or you may not even care about the topic. What is the problem with giving someone five minutes of your time to let them spew?
4. Avoid them.
   With some people, there may be nothing else you can do other than avoid them. It might mean changing your routine for a while, perhaps taking your lunch break earlier or later than the giddy winner or sore loser.
5. Distract yourself.
   If you cannot walk away from the giddy winner or the sore loser, mentally distract yourself. While some people can go on and on and on about a topic, most of the time the giddy winner or the sore loser will eventually wind down.

Summary

People make choices every day about their behavior. This is especially true for people who refuse to win or lose gracefully. It isn’t that they can’t behave differently; it is that they refuse to behave differently. Family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances all have their own choices about how to interact with someone who refuses to win or lose gracefully.

For more information, check out my The Win-Lose Book: 20 Tips for Winning and Losing Gracefully in Sports, Politics and Life

With warmest regards,

Thank you so much for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the content, please check out other blogs at:
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In addition to blogs and articles, I have written a series of self-help books called The Personal Empowerment Series and a fictional series named The Charlotte Novella Series. To view my books and novellas I have written, please go to my Amazon Authors Page.

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Kathryn Maietta, MSW, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker / Author and Blogger

I am a licensed clinical social worker in Maine and in Texas. The focus of my practice has been working individually with adult men and women and working with couples. I received my BSW from Baylor University and my MSW from Boston University. Since 2020 I have published a series of self-help books and written a bi-weekly mental health blog.

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Anger Management Domestic Abuse/Violence Relationships Stress and Anxiety Communication Resilience